3/23/2017 0 Comments When I Said Yes. . . - Part 3I did it while he was at work. I didn’t mean to do it then, it wasn’t pre-meditated if you will; it was just a now or never moment. A “before I lose the courage” type if thing. Sure – It could be called ruthless, but I choose to call it following my heart. The relationship ended as suddenly as it had started. There was no discussion. On my behalf, it was a short, clipped and determined conversation with no room for any give or debate – although he did try – One moment we were in it and the next we were not. I did not miss him. I did not reminisce.
I did cry however. It was only once and it happened the night I ended our relationship over the phone whilst I was recounting the specifics of the conversation to my sister. I can’t explain it, why it happened that is; the wave of emotions hit me abruptly and with unforeseen and compelling force I, in mid-sentence, burst into tears. I sobbed heavily, all the while trying to gain my composure embarrassed at my lack of control and sudden show of emotion taking in huge gasps of air. Unable to grasp my bearings, I got up from the floor where I was sitting and closed the door to my room, signaling to my sister that this conversation could no longer continue. As I lay on my bed that night, tears streaming down my face, I imagined him sitting at his desk, wondering what had just occurred. This only made the tears flow all the more. Quite frankly, I wondered myself what had happened and how I had gotten here – this whirlwind romance and how we had gone from planning a wedding to ending it on a whim. A valid and confusing question; was that all this decision, this relationship, this moment had been – a whim? A quirk? A fancy followed? Had I been reckless? Was I being foolish? Did he love me and more importantly, did I love him? (A question that tormented me often); and of course the oft-repeated thought of “Wow, you’re really turning down an engagement?!” Even now, to recount this experience through my pen; evokes strong emotion as I consider what might have been. There’s a certain irony as the words flow and I find myself telling this story that I thought would never be uttered if just for the simple reason of my seemed lack of interest, yet a spark has been ignited recently, into this recess of my life (not for any furtherance of course, as my former fiancé is now married, living in the Midwest with two children of his own) and I can only hope that he has found as much happiness as I have. 😊 But as I look back on this event in my life, now some 9 years later from a more objective rather than subjective point of view I perceive various overtones that I may not have noticed before, including: fear, not knowing myself, the type of commitment we were entering into and if he and I were ever on the same page. But most of all – this: that this experience taught me something about myself and how I make decisions and even though I did not know it then, I’ve realized that I am not afraid of failure; that I learn by doing – by going ahead and “making a decision” I have found that life has its own auto-correct and by proceeding, if it does not “feel-right,” if there is a lack of peace, and unsettling, if you will, I do not continue, and in this relationship (and others) I did not. It’s 10 years later and at 36, I have certainly moved on but I am thankful for this experience in my life, thankful for him and what most importantly what it has taught me. When I do say yes again it will be for love and because I know myself a little bit better than I did before and it will be to walk down the aisle of life with a man whose heart beats along in concert with my own and though there have been many tears sown along the way I also know they all have been well worth the journey.
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