All of a sudden I’m in front of people. I’m not used to this spot. No. I’m comfortable being in the background. In the shadows. Thinking but not saying. Wishing but not acting. Following – not leading. I suppose that it is here that I should have a profound quote regarding leadership that dispels my lack of confidence in such a thing and that says how important it is to take on this role in life, but I don’t have any of that. Not because I couldn’t find such a quote – no, there are plenty of them out there; but this is a post about my perspective on my transition from the shadows to the forefront, managing myself in this process and quite frankly how I am dealing with it. One might be inclined to think that the reason I struggle with leadership is the fear of being in front of people and being in a public forum, however, that is not that the case at all. Fact is, that leadership itself does not scare me, no, it’s actually quite the contrary; it’s one of the few things that I know that I am good at. However, that does not mean that there is no fear there; but it is a fear that manifests itself in an entirely different way and essentially requires one thing that I am not used to: Work.
Yep. Good ol’fashioned down and dirty, that holding you accountable, getting in the trenches with the rest of the crew work. It’s not that I thought I was too good for work, better than other people or any of that – but more so it was about being selfish. Giving up my time for others, saying yes when I want to say no and showing up anyway. Quite frankly it was laziness. What? Christina lazy? Nooooo – that couldn’t be! She’s one of the hardest workers that I know. Yes, I am that too - when I want to be; the trick is however, STILL being one of the hardest workers that you know when I do not want to be. This year, I am the president of the youth group of my church. It was a position that I was approached about and after giving it some thought, I decided to put my name in the hat to be voted on to take the position and in late December, 2012 I received the text that I had been elected as the next President of our Zion Chapel HYM (Holiness Youth Ministry) and it was final. I was excited and scared at the same time: what was I supposed to do now? I’d never been a leader before. I had a troop of youth that was now supposed to “follow” (if you will) my leadership and my direction and ultimately my vision, but how was that to be the case when I didn’t know exactly what I wanted myself? There was no training for this position. It was an open gate with endless possibilities. Talk about being overwhelmed. I don’t know why I decided to pursue this opportunity maybe because I was approached, maybe because I thought I’d have help, maybe because I thought it’d be easier than it actually is, maybe because it was of a title, but then. . .could it possibly have landed on my doorstep because - dare I say it. . . .I was ready?? Could everything that I had been through lead me to this moment in time to be ready for such a time as this?? For years I would look at the leaders that I know in my life be them my boss, my pastor, my teachers, group leaders, so on and so forth and I would sit back and give them my nod of approval for what I thought was being done right and would criticize what I thought was being done wrong. But step into a position of leadership for myself? “Nooooo” – I’d think to myself; vigorously shaking my head. “Not me. I’m a follower, not a leader. I can help you with your vision but not lead the way! Why that requires speaking up and saying what you think. That may require counter acting others opinions with your own. That means potential conflict and it also requires work.” And my time was not theirs or so I thought. I know a lot (from all my reading and intake of knowledge over the years) the question was how do I share that knowledge with others in a fun and engaging way? I have a vision, but how do I implement it? That requires being organized, giving up my time to have meetings. Implementing vision requires discussions, and conversations. It requires written goals and plans on how to meet them. It requires finances and creative ways to bring in more funds. Taking this position meant staying after church. It meant dealing with difficult people that normally I’d have the option to leave alone if I so chose. It meant approaching and talking to people I normally might not have. It meant finding a way to work together. It meant coming outside of myself. It meant not being so closed but opened and I am intrigued at how my life is changing little by little for the better because of it. This position has meant sharing myself, who I was, who I am, my wisdom, my experiences and it also means creating a forum to allow the youth ( a group of people who normally are not given a chance to be heard from) to share themselves with me and with others as well. It has meant listening. It means putting myself in others places and showing them that I relate to them. It means creating a way to bring others together. All the items listed above mean one thing. Work. It meant committing myself (something that I’ve long struggled with – read last week’s post here). It meant showing up anyway. How come I didn’t see all this before I said Yes???? Seriously. But somehow I knew if I didn’t step up and take the position I’d regret it. I knew that if I didn’t step up I’d be frustrated with a lack of impact and discouraged with not doing anything and a lack of action in my life and it would only be my fault for turning down opportunities that had come my way. One thing that I have learned from my almost one year of leadership is that everything that I (and hopefully others as well) want to see accomplished are Zion Chapel are not hard tasks, but they cannot be done alone. This is a lesson I learned in taking the position. I referred to it above when I briefly mentioned that I have been closed to people; it is not that I did not like people, but because of fear (possibly fear of rejection), I often (to a fault) am I person who favors working independently of others and it has long been a weakness of mine to ask for help. But I am learning that in order for a leader and the group that he/she leads to be effective as well as efficient, it will require the cooperation of the entire youth group (all ages). After, all the saying goes; “There is no “I” in team” or the star athlete cannot win the championship by his or herself. But, if timing is everything and if I was not who I am today there is a high chance that I would have quit this position by now (please do not think that it has not crossed my mind a time or two) and truly, it’s only been God’s grace that I’ve lasted this long. This has been a rough year for our church much less the youth of Zion Chapel in no way the least of those being the passing of one of our most influential youth of our church aspiring poet (and so much more) Freda Purry. But in the wise words of someone who told me that “You truly find out how good of a leader you are in hard times.” And to say that leadership is not challenging is a fool’s fantasy, however the tasks that I face now, I suppose I have been preparing for some time to take on; things (particularly other’s judgment of my actions) that I would not have been able to handle in the past. Lastly, I have found that leadership is all about courage. It’s about being willing to make your mistakes publicly. It’s about being willing to be talked about. Being willing to be laughed at. It’s about having a vision, and not being scared to be different. It’s about being willing to fail in that the actions that you take on just on the chance that you might be a success. It’s about being vulnerable; feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It’s true that everyone is not called to be a leader just for the simple fact that everyone does not desire or even want to be a leader. It’s not an easy cross to bear and requires some rigorous training in the “internal strength” department as well as a strong belief in God and/or a conviction that what you’re doing is right. This only comes from two things: experience and time – mostly experience – in which you are put through the trials of life to test your strength and your resolve and it’s the place where you pleasantly find that you are way stronger than initially thought especially if you keep in mind on the scripture that God will not put more on you than you can bear (I Corinthians 10:13). Thus, you know that if he brought you to it he can bring you through it and you can face whatever you encounter for if you could not that particular situation would not have been put in your life – because you are never lead to place that will kill you. So I’m being tested. Pulled and stretched in every direction. I’m learning to put others first and to become less selfish and to press ahead for the goal or cross that lay ahead of me to keep in mind that I am human and to remember to be kind to myself, and thus, if I don’t require of myself perfection ( an ideal I’ll never reach) then I also will no longer require it of others and I can live a little more as well and do more things and accept my mistakes knowing I’ll get better at it in the long run and in essence become a child again (i.e. learning how to walk). I will lead by loving, lead by reading, leading by pulling together, lead by confronting, leading by fighting; and lead by being myself. There is a transition to being a leader and I will not be afraid to walk into that tunnel and go through the metamorphosis that it requires because at times it is often a lonely path. But it is a path well worth the rewards that it brings.
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