10/26/2013 0 Comments This Is Me. . .Staring at myself in the mirror, I sighed and took a good look. A young African American female stood there with dark brown curls highlighted honey blond, a curvy figure and shapely hips. Taking a deep breath I thought to myself and said, “This is me.” Not as though I was seeing myself for the first time but as though for the first time I was finally accepting myself. This is it. Nothing is going to change and if I don’t accept myself as I am and who I am right now I will always be waiting. So I might as well suck it up and accept that fact and stop waiting for super man to come and save me. Because I was recently let in on a secret; I had super man inside of me. I am stronger than I ever knew – something that I was not aware of for a very long time.
The girl in the mirror goes way deeper than what I could only physically see on the outside. No, that girl – the one on the inside – I was just recently introduced to not more than two years ago and she has quickly become my best friend. Despite the fact that neither you nor I can see her she’s almost more real than the physical me and enables me to do more than I ever thought possible. And she knew that in order for me to be truly happy and to pursue my heart’s desires that I needed to know her. . .the REAL me. The one that accepted all of me: my good, my bad, my strengths, my weaknesses and worked them because they were the only resources that she had at her disposal. For she realized that this is what God had given her to use and if it was good enough for him then why for so long had it not been good enough for me? For I was to realize that I am the answer to my own prayers as God can only work THROUGH me and since faith without works is dead then I MUST accept myself for who can ever be me? For all that I am in 1 person will never exist again. There will never be a person who has had my experiences, dreamed my dreams, thinks the way I think, looks that way I look, laughs the way I laughs, cries the way I cry – has my mannerisms. I am me. And I have realized that if I want something I can’t be afraid to reach for it. Why was I ever afraid to pursue my desires and reach for my dreams? Because I was afraid to be myself in front of others and being afraid of what other people thought were my shackles for some time and it was quite a long prison sentence that I served (over 20 years). But why was I put in prison so unjustly? Maybe it was a lack of knowledge; maybe it was the need for control. Maybe it was fear. All these years I was my own guard who wouldn't take her eye off the prisoner watching her every move. I was my own worst self-critic. But I don’t know why. Why did I care so much about what other people thought about what I did? If I had to guess, I would say it was most likely because “they” made their thoughts known. They spoke up about what they didn’t like, what they thought about . . . well. . . anything! And if what they were speaking of at that time concerned me and if it was against me, then how could I comfortably be myself if it was not accepted? I didn’t like being criticized. I didn’t know how to stand against it, so in order to avoid beating myself up with my own criticisms before others would with theirs (or so I thought they would) I didn’t do anything at all. And maybe it was an epiphany I had as I stared at myself in the mirror and realized that if I didn’t accept myself – how can or how will anybody else? All this time, I was waiting on others to accept me before I would accept myself. I wanted someone else to tell me that I was okay and that whatever I did was fine until I realized if I was going to be my worst enemy – I also had to be my best friend. I had to tell it to myself first. I must teach people how to treat me by the way I treated myself So now, I’m finding that acting on my desires is more fulfilling and most definitely more rewarding than sitting waiting for my fear to dissipate so I can then act or more commonly, waiting on someone else to act and do it for me or for something to happen TO ME so I THEN can thank God. No, I have learned that I must fight that feeling of anxiety when it arises and wants to tell me that I’m not enough. That I’m not smart enough. That I’m not pretty enough. That I’m not bold enough or whatever it decides to tell me to try and take some things from me. I must fight that voice with the word of God, saying, “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) I must push through those thoughts, those fears, and lies and take a chance to find out if what I’m believing for in my life is for me. And take this joint venture WITH God by taking action and letting him work through me and not expect him to do it alone. So I, now knowing that the power lies within me and that God has given me this power must act because if I don’t I am waiting for something to happen TO me, but I must act in anticipation of something happening FOR me because I have prayed to God asking him to deliver something to me and he hears me and is willing to work on my behalf THROUGH me – and if I don’t move and act then I’m saying that God hasn’t heard me, that I need to see something before I move and that I need to keep praying only, and waiting on something to happen, somebody else to take action, or for my answer to just come, but it’s like the quote once said by a slave, “I prayed for freedom then I ran.” I can’t JUST pray anymore. I now put works behind my faith. “Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.” (James 2:18) I now understand that God has empowered me to go after what I want (through his word) to do what it is that I have asked of him and if I don’t do anything then I am stopping the answer to my own prayers. Because, I now know what’s on the other side of fear and what it’s trying to take from me. My dreams, my passions, my life, my joy and trying to get me to settle for the “safe route” the boring route, the life of “good enough” – because I didn’t want to get beat up a little, bruised but toughened. I have decided to stop, stop, stop letting things happen TO me but now I go out and make things happen FOR me! Your desires, your promised land is on the other side of your fear. Remember this: in the effort is freedom and confidence born. In the trying to accomplish your desires is the path laid out before you. My dreams are taking me somewhere; I must follow the path that they lay out before me. Doors that will open, people that I will meet, all by doing one thing and that is trying. In the effort you discover YOU. In the effort you live your movie, your journey, your excitement in the effort YOUR story is borne! And man will you have some story to tell in the fact that you lived. And let that be your reason for trying when others may or may not understand your actions. This is something that you have to find out for yourself so you can be at peace with yourself, for you to know so you can sleep well at night. If I’m curious about something then, I must find out. If I desire it then I must ask and not expect someone else to do it for me. Does this mean that I never feel fear anymore? Does that mean that the old me doesn't try to creep up every now and then? My old thoughts. My old habits of hesitancy. Of “what will people think” if I do this? Of course not, but now I don’t care. A fulfilled life is greater than my fear. Fear and unhappiness only comes from not doing – it comes from limiting yourself – it comes from the fear of NOT being yourself. And you never know how strong you ARE or what you COULD accomplish if you don’t try. “When fear knocked, FAITH answered and no one was there.” Your FAITH cancels out your fear. You action cancels out your fear. Why? Because perfect LOVE casteth out all fear. (I John 4:18) How can you ever do anything if it always has to be perfect, when we ourselves are not perfect? We can only use what we’ve been given. Ourselves and it comes out the way it comes out, yet perfection comes through the process. Let patience have its perfect work. God will perfect that which concerneth thee. (Psalm 138:8) Why would God choose us when we are not perfect? But he does- and he has and he has chosen to reside in us and make his home here and if it’s good enough for him then it’s good enough for me! So we are best used when used by him – because only THROUGH him do we become perfect! After all I’ve chosen to look at it a different way - I get fulfillment in my trying and THAT’s how I know that God is answering my prayer So now when I stand before myself in the mirror – I see all of me. All of who I was, who I desired to be and who I am today. Those nights on the floor crying – God held me and he had me go through the process of getting to me. And I wouldn't change the metamorphosis process for the world. When I got to the woman that I always wanted to be and met this lady of inner strength inside of me I was quite surprised when I found her to be pretty much just the way that I’d always imagine that she’d be and I, at last, was ready to fill her shoes now. She wasn't as intimidating as I thought she’d be and it wasn't as difficult to be her either. Accepting who I am, what my desires are and my truth was actually a little more comfortable to do and fit in her skin than I’d what I’d originally thought. I suppose that’s why I put it off as long as I did. Facing my fears that is, and accepting what I’d always known to be the truth because I didn't want to go through the process of getting to her and I put it off because I didn’t think that I could do it. I didn’t think I could handle what eventually became inevitable and everything came pouring out of me at once and I could no longer hold it together in front of everyone. And God was there the whole time administering the process when all the pieces that I was trying to hold together as best that I could fell apart and I found out that I could not and in being THAT broken I was THAT freed and something was borne in me – an inner strength that was strong yet comforting which has enabled me to be myself and to do knowing that God has my back a place that I was trying to take care of all the time. So I am not afraid to live. I am not afraid to try. Come what may, I now know that I can along with the help of God, handle it all, go after what I want, and I truly, truly live.
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