7/10/2013 0 Comments Is Curiosity Killing This Cat?So I went to a gathering this weekend with a group of girl and as usual girls being girls fell into "girl talk" and that was guys of course! Yes,the subject of men came up, as it always does creeping into the conversation when you're with any number of women. Ex and current relationships were discussed; reasons why we’re with who we’re with and the reason why we’re not with who we think we should be with and . . .well, you know. . everything in between. :-) This time, however, the conversation turned to social media (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) and how it plays into our relationships when it comes to dating, pre, post and the whole nine – especially the post part. Post-relationship part?? Yes. The part when it's all over. . .the "can't eat, can't sleep", I'll die if I'm not with you. I miss you. I can't stand you. I love you. I hate you. Yes. The "it sucks part". . . . Remember that? The part when you didn't think that you were going to be able to continue on; it hurt just to breathe, sent you into depression at the very thought of the memories and you were suicidal every other day. . . Oh - so it never go that bad for you? Well - if not for you, then please refer this article to a friend, because I know that somebody that you know has felt this way at some point in their lives about someone that they have dated. Sure. They (or you) may have gotten over it, gotten past it and "moved on" (or so they say), but for those of us who have not moved on, cannot move on and more importantly, don't want to move on. THIS article is for you. Now, don't get me wrong - this article may not be "the answer" or the one thing that gets you completely over and out of your relationship woes (is there ever just one thing?), but it very well may be a good start and it is one of the tools that helped me significantly in protecting my happiness after a break-up. When you are missing someone that you used to be in a relationship with you are now in the dark regarding them and often times you want some sort of “access” to your former...um...lover. But as the saying goes – Curiosity killed the Cat. The whole intent behind the adage Curiosity killed the Cat is to warn against the dangers of unnecessary investigation or experimentation (wikipedia.com)* The key word here is - unnecessary: or those things which are not necessary or essential. ). The original form of the saying, now rarely used was "Care killed the Cat." In 1598 (yes, you read that right. . .1598 NOT 1958. . .) when the phrase was first used, care was defined as worry, sorrow, or concern. A true proverb indeed, in that your "worries" here on this earth can and will destroy you if you focus on them. So yes, in this instance we are the "cats" being killed. Inwardly and emotionally, our worry and care eating away at us one little bit at a time when we have to know. But I wonder why it is that we have to know? I understand that it is a temptation - but why when often time the information that we will receive can often hurt us, make us feel worse, and will not do us ANY good! Why? Because, when the relationship that you were in has just come to an end, you are often not in an emotional state to receive any information about that person without taking it personally or offensively. Which, in turn, automatically puts you on the defense. It's very hard to take an objective point of view when you have been closely and emotionally attached to a person who's current life (that unfortunately no longer includes you) now has the power to hurt you. And when you get information about them oftentimes you are contributing to your own hurt by doing so; thus, prohibiting your ability to "move forward" with your life. So, thus your inquisitiveness into the life of your former "special someone" begs the question: "Is your curiosity KILLING you?" What do I mean?
When you’re in a relationship with someone you are apart of someone's life and they for a time are a significant part or yours. You spend a lot of time with each other, you get to know each other, you even many times become a part of one another's families. And in a good relationship you often are aware of what’s going on with each other. You know their secrets and they know yours. You know their schedule, you know when they'll be out of town, when they're at work - where they'll be after work (and whether or not you'll be with them). What exactly their status meant on Facebook when they wrote: “Hung out with friends last night! Life is pretty good. . . .” and as their then girlfriend or boyfriend a feeling of satisfaction comes over you because you know it was a good time because you were there with them! And you’re glad that you know as much as you know about this person - because they are special to you and oftentimes times it is hoped that they will always be. But then one day. . .something unexpected happens. Something goes wrong. You get into a fight. An unexpected phone call ends the relationship. A conversation goes sour and all of a sudden you find yourself on the outside of that door called a relationship and just like that it's over. So now what do you do?? What do you do when all you know is that the beginning of your days started with the other and most days, ended with each other. If you weren't texting you were talking and if you weren't talking you were out with each other or on one another's couch, on the phone with each other, in one another's arms or just. . . there. And overnight you go from knowing mostly everything about one another to complete silence. You no longer know what is going on with the person that you knew "everything" about. Because even though you’re not together anymore – you’re still curious. You still want to know what's going on with them because they still have your heart. Especially if you weren’t the "dumper" and so you retain or obtain as much information about your former significant other as you can. You inquire about them through mutual friends even though (or maybe because) you’re not friends anymore on Facebook and they're not following you on Twitter and vice versa – but somehow you find a way to gain access even if they themselves haven't given it to you. And what you find eats away at you – One. Thought. At. A Time. You sarcastically think “Wow. Really? That Fast?” when you read that status that he took a trip last week and "such and such" went. Your heart feels like it fractures a little more when you read that comment that says “Hey – had a great time last night too! Call me when you get home” and they replied and said “Ok” because they seemed to have moved on and you become even more angry because you haven't. And every person that you go out with just doesn't seem to measure up and you can only think of your former relationship and you're home in tears and they've moved on! How Could they??? And you cringe when you see the person that they've been out with and you automatically compare yourself to them! “Why, Why, Why Do We Do This To Oursleves?????????” "Why do we HAVE to know??” "Why do we HAVE to keep up?” Because we don't have the courage to talk to them ourselves? Or maybe it's best if we do keep our distance because of how things ended. So then what are you supposed to do when all you're left with are memories and pictures? Personally, if I can't talk to them in person, then I'd rather not know! Why? Because I've found that 2nd-hand information received regarding that person can often times be misinterpreted and even if it's not - they are to us self-inflicted stab wounds that are emotional killers! Yes. – An emotional killer to ourselves - one status at a time, one picture at a time and one relationship that you "heard" that they're in (since you) at a time. I concur that once a relationship has ended you do need an outlet and social media ain't it baby! Why would you want to know that they went out on a date with someone else and you weren't on the other side of that table? How does that information benefit you except making you more jealous, more hurt and more angry. Once former relationships of mine ended, I often didn't have the guts to or even wanted to "unfriend or unfollow" my exes. I suppose because at the time it was my "last hope"; my key into their world. But I did have to hide any updates of my exes from my newsfeed because it would hurt me to see him "happy" (or so I would think they were) with someone else and send me into emotional tail spins where I had to get up from my desk at work and leave parties and go into a bathroom and have a good cry all because it I wasn’t with them anymore. They were with someone else. But maybe that was the problem – that it was not me with them anymore. I was only focusing on myself and what I had lost (part of what causes us HUGE emotional pain – we'll deal with that subject in its entirety at another time.) Now – don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying don’t miss them – please hear me when I say that. That would be unrealistic and I don’t want to give you the “conventional wisdom” of saying cut all ties with an ex because I personally, don’t believe in that either. By all means DO miss them (you will anyway); you’re not human if that’s not what you’re doing. If anything it’s part of your “healing” process and you MUST, (yes I said MUST) allow yourself to go through it (after all, I'm all about giving YOU the permission to "do you" and the permission to to be yourself). Denial has never done anyone any good. Acknowledge how you truly feel. In prayer, in a journal, in a confidant. There is a process for grieving the loss of significant relationships in our lives (through death, estrangement or otherwise) – and this is just a part of it. Hiding or “unfollowing” someone in social media is not writing anything in stone. It’s not saying that you’ll never be friends, it’s not saying that you’ll never get together again, it’s not saying anything. This is for YOU – so you won’t be up crying at night, so YOU won’t be in depression because of negative thoughts. (Thoughts that you would not have had to fight if you had never acquired communication regarding that person). Relationships affect everyone differently and though you may not have been or are affected so severely by a separation – many of us have been and hiding someone in social media from your access is just a tool to help you get over the “hump” in this difficult time in your life and to avoid causing yourself severe emotional pain that can cause you to be in moods and also lead you to make some sometimes very irrational decisions that you can come to later regret. When we receive visual information (or any information for that matter) but particularly visual info into our psyche regarding the lives of our former loves, we can and will be affected emotionally (often negatively and this is NEVER good for the state of our emotional lives. ) If you know anything about me and/or the mission of this blog, it is and I am all about protecting happiness and when external or outside stimuli can influence that state of your bliss, why engage in that activity if it’s not going to do you any good??? I’m just saying. Hiding them on facebook, or unfollowing them on twitter, and instagram just might be one way to do it. And this isn’t to say unfriend him or her from facebook if that isn’t what you want to do – just “hide” them for a while until you’re “secure” enough to visit their page WITHOUT becoming upset. Only you can determine when that is. Time taken to nurse your wounds after a relationship has ended is crucial in that you should take this time for you to evaluate why the relationship ended. SHOULD it have ended? And what can you or did you learn from this particular circumstance? And what, if anything, can be done about it? And when you come out of your "funk" you may determine that you don’t want to keep them as a friend on social media, or that you can safely just be friends. But whenever you do make a decision you’ll know that you were in the right state of mind to do so and that it was the RIGHT decision for you to make without negative emotions influencing you otherwise. And it is for this reason that I will not be friends on facebook with men that I date, because of all the aftermath that I have encountered when a relationship went in a direction that I did not anticipate. (Basically, I need to see how this is gonna go first.) :-) So – I hope that this post has helped you. This is just something that you may want to consider doing to help you move forward towards happiness. Because as for me, I don’t have time to be sent into emotional tailspins. God has something for me to do and I can’t work and he can’t use me if I’m always being affected by an external data that's not going to do me any good! On my way out just a positive thought for you. . .tell yourself this: If we’re supposed to be together – we’ll be together and everything will work out. All is well- because whether you’re with that person or not, whether you end up together or not despite everything that your mind and/or body wants to tell you – you will be happy and pleased with the way that everything turned out. When the story has ended and the curtain is closed all parties concerned will be happy because things worked out the exactly the way that they are supposed too. Just something to think about and I hope that helped. Happy Living! Chris
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