4/23/2014 0 Comments Inner Wrestlings. . .(Part 7)Now this is the place where I’m supposed to tell you that I got into the word of God and God came and pulled me from the depths of despair and rescued me and now I’m forever grateful to him, and even though I am, my story did not quite happen exactly that way. No, it was not the bible that pulled me out – it was action and a focus on what I truly desired (which at that time was a congenial relationship with my on again / off again boyfriend). And because he was a co-worker it made the wish for a better rapport only that much more important to me. . .because an even further gulf was established with our last separation which made relations between us practically non-existent.
During this time, however, it’s important to note that another recurring dream arose making me consider the thought that despite my efforts to resolve my lack of peace and unsettledness that I was feeling by pushing him out of my life there were yet still some unanswered questions that needed to be addressed. How could this be? The dream was a simple illustration, a brief interaction really, but there was no denying that it made a significant impact upon my consciousness every time. And unlike my previously described dream, this dream always took place in a variety of places, but the premise was always the same. As mentioned before, relationship dynamics between us were not the best. As they stood at that time, we currently were not speaking, but in each of these dreams between he and I we always would, and in every case it was he who approached me even though upon seeing him, the longing for interaction would be present I would never initiate it, for fear of his anger towards me for what I had done and I conceived that my efforts to do so would not be rewarded. And who wants to be rejected? (even if it is in a dream lol). And always on this plane (my dreams) his demeanor towards me was always very nice and congenial even. After having this experience on 8 separate nights over the course of a year, my attention was eventually arrested and I wondered if something that I perceived about the dream might be true. Maybe he was not as upset with me as I thought he was and maybe just maybe I could do something about all this and maybe I was more in control in of my fate that I had initially Supposed. . . . For curiosity made me wonder if I had been wrong about him, wrong about me, just wrong about it all. . . And God, as merciful as he is, gifted me with a promotion on my job two weeks after our latest breakup where frequent interaction with my ex was no longer necessary and the quiet time alone gave me time to gently nurse my wounds, asses our relationship and realize that I had ultimately ended the relationship because of fear and not because of any concrete factors or a legitimate reason. But there was a conflict. Between what I should do and what I wanted. After all, if I had a made a decision to end this relationship twice, then why would I ever consider broaching it again? But that was logic speaking and no matter how much sense it made, it wasn’t the right answer. Something was still not solved and I made a decision get to the bottom of it. For if not having a relationship with him was continually eating at me I made the choice to follow my heart, to find out why, because anxiety was killing me and broken thoughts of: “I should try [to talk to him] because I want to – but if I do what will other people think?? – He needs to know I’m sorry – Will he think I’m crazy as this is the THIRD time?? But after my enlightenment I NEED to tell him the truth. . . ” Such were my inner wrestlings and conversations amongst family and friends and most importantly, my journal, but, I wasn’t telling him. . . Telling him?!?!?! How could I???? Wasn’t that asking just a little too much?? After everything that we had been through – to tell him now – why, he would think I was crazy!!!! To me, the thought of telling him the truth was inconceivable! Impossible even! I sometimes didn’t even recognize myself with all this back and forth. It often seemed that I could not make up my mind because I always wondered if it was “the right” decision or whether I should just leave well enough alone, and so I struggled with indecision (another symptom of my deep seated fears that I didn’t yet recognize). Struggling with a bout of this anxiousness on my bed late one evening about whether or not approaching him would be the right course of action – the voice of the Lord came to me via the familiar scripture Proverbs 3:6 “Acknowledge me in all thy ways and I will direct thy paths.” Apparently,it was what I needed to hear as immediately the assurance of God’s word calmed me down and brought such an inner peace and I began to talk to God and tell him exactly what my concerns where about whether or not I should approach my ex-boyfriend after the way that things had ended between us and then do you know what God said to me? Click HERE to find out! Read the Previous Entry Part 6 Here
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