3/25/2019 5 Comments Do I Love you?Have you ever enjoyed by the idea of someone? Or maybe I should say the idea of something? Not that you know it at the time – that is, that you only enjoy the “idea” of it. You think you’re just enjoying them; they’re fun, easy to hang around and on some level you “click.” That is, until, someone gets “serious” and you begin to consider making this person a permanent part of your life; a husband, a wife, a “life partner” and then all of a sudden the REAL questions arrive. You know the ones. They appear in the form of:
Do I love you? Can we build a life together? Can we make it? And for the first time, you begin to wonder if it is actually love and the fact that this could have all been an “illusion” never entered your mind; that is, until you actually had a DECISION to make and you consider that you might have only been in love with the idea of everything with them. But how could that be? How could I have only been in love with the idea when spending time with them, the conversations, the laughter, the excitement was so real. Was nothing real? How could I not be ready to commit when I was very much so enjoying the ride? Then the question arrives, ‘Was I only along FOR the ride?’ You try to reason your way out of this – make sense of it somehow. You try blaming them. “It’s their fault.” They’re the reason that you can’t commit – this, this, and this is wrong; you list them off confidently (as you can be). All of sudden enumerating things that didn’t seem to be a problem before until this could possibly be where you are asked to live. . .forever But the nagging question is there; the question of just exactly why you can’t bring yourself to do it. Why? Everything in you wants to. . .well, almost everything, because if you were honest there’s that. . . “something” in you that just doesn’t. And it’s not the fact that you didn’t consider a life with them but when it comes down to it you’re scared to say Yes. And then the “ But what about’s. . .” start “What about this?” “What about that?” Just hanging out was fun; meeting up every now and then, late, long conversations until the proposed idea of committing to them makes you stop dead in your tracks. The interactions with them no longer easy, as you now consider the possibility. I have someone that I’ve “enjoyed” for years. Quite frankly, I still enjoy them. And we have a pattern. I’m not proud of it. But I won’t say that I don’t like it. It's nice to have someone. And when that particular someone is asked about, I just say “It’s complicated.” I participate in our broken pattern again and again and of course I absolve myself of any responsibility of it. “Well, it’s not my fault – they keep coming back.” But I keep answering. That door is opened, perhaps remains just a smidge bit cracked because . . .well, ya know. . .“just in case” Does this pattern make me look bad? **Shrug** I think it just makes me look honest. (I’m all about being honest now. Somehow there’s a freedom in it.) And it’s made me consider the question (oh, just a thousand times or more) of whether or not, I’m “in love” with this person. The answer is always the same. I could love them. Ya’ know, that is, if they made a decision to be with me. Not the other way around. You know, the responsibility always falls on they – never me. But why should it? I’m just accommodating their requests. I’m . . .just as bad. This pattern works for me. I like to think that I love them sometime. It’s a pleasant thought. It’s a comforting thought. It’s an “idealistic” thought. Despite all that however, I don’t believe that it’s a true thought. It doesn’t feel true. And in the deepest recesses of my mind I toy with the idea, like a baby plays with its bottle when they don’t really want it and it’s not until someone else makes the decision to take it away that they go on to find something else for entertainment. It is the same for me. I’m fine when they’re gone. I find something else to do – something or someone else to distract me. “I’m fine.” I tell myself. I don’t miss them. They didn’t hurt me. After all, there’s been no tears shed. It’s safe. It’s what I know; aaaannnndd there’s ENOUGH to keep me here. To keep answering when they call. Even when something happened that seemed to put the final nail in the coffin. My thought about that? It’s not over. When everyone else said that it was. I didn’t know how – I didn’t know when, but I knew, like I knew that the sun would rise that our paths would cross again. And they have. Patience or Desperation? Hope or No options? Just Life or Destiny? Depends on your perspective. There’s plenty of evidence for both. I write this because I’ve been thinking about love and what it is Is it safety? Is it comfort? Is it being prioritized? It is being heard? Valued? It is being attracted to, provided for, taken care of? Seen? Listened to? Heard? Understood? Is it all of these things? Is it none of these things? Is it being perfect? Or is it being perfect for you? Is it accepting someone for who they are? What is it???? Is it listening to others and who they think you should be with? It it????? Love makes a decision. Love holds on to people, because a part of you needs them even if you don’t know it yourself yet. Love KNOWS that it’s something about them that makes them so very familiar before your brain takes on that they are. I’ve always wondered is it that way when you fall in love. Is it something about them? The way they move? The way they look at you? The way that they move an arm, walk, smile, etc that even before you ever knew their name you knew that they were a part of you forever. But some people become a part of people gradually, bit by bit, as familiarity grows and wraps around them the way a vine does on a home where eventually you can’t see where one begins and the other ends. Love is somehow knowing that the two of you somehow lead the same lives and that’s why you can live it together. If I don’t know that, then at some level I may not trust you and the question of whether or I ever will arises. Possibly? But would the struggle of us getting on the same page be worth it? So many people advise care in love. “Be careful” they say “Guard your heart” they advise. “My heart?” I say, “Oh honey, they made it there years ago.” A person once asked me, “Am I in Love?” "How do you know when you're in love? ” was my reply "You just know” Maybe. Maybe love comes slowly. Maybe love comes suddenly. Maybe both – at the same time. But I don’t think love is ever scared. You may wonder why this isn’t a definitive post. Why have I come to no particular conclusion? But I’ve found life isn’t like that; it’s a series of questions that wait to be answered and a story that waits to unfold. It’s an open book that is being written. I love a good story as much as the next person but living it? Well, that’s not always so easy. Maybe I am in love with my person, maybe not. But whatever that answer is – one thing I am certain of is when it is time to make a decision – whatever that decision is, there will be no hesitation. Happy Living. Chris
5 Comments
Natalie
3/25/2019 08:27:40 am
Well written! I loved it! Knowing how you truly feel about something makes making decisions so much easier! I can relate! Thanks for the great read.
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Courtney
3/25/2019 08:14:45 pm
Yes girl! This is very relatable! I love it!
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Christina
3/26/2019 05:08:53 am
Thanks Girl!
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I love the post, or wait...did I? Lol jk...It was an insightful and transparent post, not to mention really well written (as always). I think many people think these things especially as relationships get more serious. It's beautiful to be loved, but to love may not always appear/feel that way. It's an interesting concept and so many questions arise. You presented them well....great job!
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