4/22/2014 1 Comment Almost Too Late. . . (Part 6)So we fast forward the story here about 3 years . . . to the exact date of Wednesday, September 23, 2008. . . . It was my first day on the new job and also the first time that I saw him. I don’t know necessarily what it was about him that peaked my interest but I noticed him nonetheless as well as the way that he interacted with his co-workers and I liked him immediately.
To be his friend definitely was my goal – nothing more – however, apparently that we be more was eventually inevitable and so to find my heart’s desire and to give love a chance I pursued the romance. To be fair, romance, good times, affection, laughter and friendship were most definitely found there, but one of the more important attributes of peace was not. It was the best of both worlds, to find romance and friendship simultaneously, but despite how “peachy keen” everything was on the outside, I couldn’t let go of this nagging feeling that something was not right. Suppress it, and ignore it though try as I might - it would not leave. I tried to overlook any unsettling particulars regarding the relationship, but the unsettledness won out and I ended it the day after Christmas of 2009 – for the first time. And so of course as many who might be acquainted with the familiar feelings that come with the dissolution of a relationship, you’ll understand when I say simply. . . the missing started. For in losing him I had also lost the friendship, and when the phone calls and conversations stopped and feelings of missing him overcame me, I gave into the longing and contacted him. Friendship and romance were rekindled but the nagging feeling of the absence of peace was still present causing me six months later after our reconciliation to depart abruptly once again citing only the reason that “this” wasn’t going to work. And so it is here where I find myself (in Part One) where my story began walking up the three flights of stairs from the garage to my bedroom: crying, alone and desperate - not only because of the sudden relationship change but also because my father, unemployed for a year, had left our family (in presence only) to temporarily take a job elsewhere and I HATED, HATED, my job (oh yeah, did I mention how much I HATED my job?). But only because I knew that it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing or maybe I should say that it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. And so as a result of a sudden loss of so many of the things that I then valued it soon became apparent that I was sinking and sinking fast because I didn’t have any help, nothing to depend on, nothing and no one to reassure me that everything was going to be okay (and even those who did – I couldn’t believe), and nothing to fall back on to sustain me. And my meager attempts to grasp at some sense of reasoning or sanity during this period were so unsuccessful and I became so frustrated and so hopeless that I sank into the depths of a very deep depression. Even now, I must admit that it’s hard to write these words. Do you know what it feels like to be depressed? The utter hopelessness that comes over you and that is your constant companion because you have come to the end of your rope, run out of options and you feel that nobody understands so you start thinking about getting off of this spinning sphere called Earth because you wonder what the purpose of being here is. Will it ever get better? Do I want to even live to see if it can get better – because if this is what life is then I don’t want it. . . In my frustration, I told God that I didn’t want to be a Christian anymore because if this is what it meant to obey him then quite frankly it sucked and I was determined that I could not live, no. . . would not live a life of unhappiness, chronic depression and utter dissatisfaction. I then asked God a question and the answer that would soon follow I would find would forever change my life and my perception of him. I asked him, “Who Are You??” It was obvious to me that I didn’t know him very well if I thought I had heard his voice and this was the result. Nothing going this wrong God could have ever been a part of right?? Very wrong. For I was soon to find out that God is a part of everything. . . Continue on to Part 7 Here. . . Read the Previous Entry - Part 5 Here
1 Comment
Carmen Harris
4/22/2014 09:04:48 am
Aaaargh...tomorrow?!?! What do you mean next post coming tomorrow? Fine, ok I'll be here. I'm starting to sound like Jessica.
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